Having Said Yes

Note: This post was written Friday morning Moscow time, while we were flying back from Krasnoyarsk to Moscow.  I wasn't able to post it until we returned home this evening.  



We haven't been posting the past two days as much; between spending time with the girls, driving to and from the orphanage, and trying to ignore our jet-lag-aggravated fatigue, there hasn't been much energy left to spend writing.  Now that we're on our way back, we're putting down our memories and thoughts and working from them to reconstruct the past few days.  


Legally, the purpose of this first trip to Russia was to meet the girls and then decide whether or not we wish to continue the adoption process, which would require us to return to Russia when a court date is chosen for us (typically 2-3 months from the time of a decision to adopt).  Yesterday we visited a notary public and signed a document stating that yes, we do wish to continue the process of adopting N and A. We had been leaning towards this anyway, but the time we have spent with them over the past few days has both been a confirmation of our leanings, while also opening our eyes further to the reality of what it will mean to parent these two girls.


Our time with the girls consisted of three two-hour visits, one per day, in the same big play room at the orphanage in which we first met them on Tuesday.  As was recommended to us by child experts experienced in adoption, we did not just rush up to the girls on the first day and sweep them up off the floor into our arms immediately; rather, we were presented to them as "Mama e Papa" (mommy and daddy) and we coaxed them to us with toys, smiles, and small snacks, and let them approach us as they felt more comfortable and secure. This felt a bit awkward to me, but looking back I believe it was the right thing to do, since we didn't want to frighten them and start things off on a bad foot.  


As it turned out, we spent most of our time together blowing bubbles, cutting out stickers for a book, holding A in our laps, and eating the small snacks we brought with us.  N is a very friendly and conscientious child, and she would take a small cracker or a raisin out of the snack-traps (which were AWESOME to have with us) and first feed herself, then her sister, then us, then one of the workers in the room with us, over and over until the snacks were gone.  She was very sweet to us, although she did not seem too interested in a great deal of direct physical contact like hugging, kissing, tickling, etc.  She was always doing something, showing us something, or playing with one or both of us.  Whenever she got tired of doing something, she'd carefully pack up whatever it was and put it away before going and getting something else she wanted to play with.  


Her clear favorite was the bubble-blowing stuff that we brought along.  Over and over again she was delighted to see bubbles float around, or to see our reactions as she would blow them on our faces.  N also really enjoyed the transparent, liquid/sparkly-filled rubber balls that we bought at Target the night before we left.  She'd throw them on the ground, squeal at the swirling colors set in motion within, and then rush and show the result to us or the other adults in the room.  N also liked to use scissors to cut paper and stickers to put into one of the coloring books we brought with us. She wielded the scissors pretty well, asking for help from Papa occasionally for the really tough ones.  She also drew a picture of Papa on a whiteboard that included a mustache, but she didn't draw the beard, saying "he's got hair everywhere!"


A, being about 18 months old, wqs generally much more passive than her sister.  She pretty much would stay in our laps and just watch whatever we were doing, unless we specifically put something in front of her.  She wouldn't make a sound or move on her own.  When we did give her things to do, she would do them well, like stacking blocks or rings.  Her face, unlike N,  was generally neutral while she watched us or what we were doing.  


What A really took to, though, were the teddy graham crackers that we brought with us in one of the snack-traps.  After she tasted her first one, she would start pulling them out and eating them, one at a time nonstop, until they were gone.  We had brought a number of small snacks with us (also at the suggestion of adoption experts) in the hope that feeding the kids would both help them feel better around us and would also help them start bonding with us as providers for their needs.  The first day A pretty much ate the entire little cup of teddy grahams all by herself, but on the last day, she made Papa very happy by unexpectedly picking out crackers and, instead of eating them herself, held them up to my mouth, unasked.  Such a simple gesture, but it almost made me tear up since I knew how much she loved the crackers (and I knew she wasn't full since she would allow me to feed her one each time after feeding me).  


A was also much more appreciative of being hugged, kissed, tickled, and other forms of physical contact than her sister.  It took a while to get her to warm up to it, but she soon got happy when Papa would pick her up and kiss her.  She really loved it when I would put her on a slide and then sit myself down at the bottom and hold out my arms.  Then she'd send herself down and giggle when I'd pick her up at the bottom.  These moments made me very, very happy.  I had hoped to have a similar reaction from N as well, but she remained content to turn down opportunities for similar contact, at least for now.


Linda and N enjoyed tossing a huge rubber ball back and forth on our last day there while A and I were on the slide and in the ball pit (what a great play room this orphanage has, let me tell you!).  


Linda had put together a photo album with pictures of us, our home, rooms in our house, members of our families and our friends, along with labels on each one in Russian with people's names and relationship to us.  Linda went through this photo album with N on the second day and told her in Russian who and where everything was: Grandmas Linda and Pat, Uncles and Aunts Jess, Dan and Cherub, Mark and Carol, Glen and Rhiannon, cousins and friends.  N asked who each person was, and wondered at her cousin's braces (she had never seen braces on people's teeth before!). On the third and final day she picked it up out of our bag and asked Mama to go through it again.  


Leaving on the last day was hard, and a bit abrupt.  When the worker came in to tell us that it was time for the girls to leave, N dutifully got her sister and started taking her to the door.  A started crying, but we weren't sure if it was more because she was being taken away from us, or from the still unfinished cup of teddy grahams in her hand that she'd been sharing with me earlier.  We didn't really get much of a long goodbye with them, and we weren't sure if N really understood that we wouldn't be back tomorrow or for a while after that.  Our hope is that the caregivers will explain as best as she can understand that we are coming back for her, but it will be a little while before that can happen.


During that last day at the orphanage, we saw small groups of other orphans in the playroom, being cared for by the staff.  Although the staff were doing a great job with them, we still couldn't help but feel sad for them, knowing that few of them would ever get a chance to be placed with a family. One little girl, about 3 years old, kept looking over at us playing with N and A and would run over to try to get near us before one of the caregivers would come and move her back to the area they were playing in.  It broke my heart, and Linda and I were pensive as we rode back to the city from the orphanage, not just because the girls we hope to call daughters are still back there, but also because so many, many others, hundreds of thousands, scattered all over that vast country, await a Mama and Papa who will probably never come. Even now, my heart in my throat, I struggle to compose myself as I recall her little face.


Flying back home, leaving our girls behind, I have great hope that very soon we will bring them home with us.  In the meantime, they are being cared for in what I believe is likely the best orphanage in all of Russia, by people who truly care for them and will reassure them that Mama and Papa are coming back for them soon.  What has my eyes stinging and my breath catching in my throat now is not that they are not with us; it is that so many others can look forward to no such hopes.  Oh God, of all the groanings of this fallen world, surely this is one of the most heartbreaking; have mercy on these little ones.