Declining.

The finality of getting a letter notarized and apostilled had us a bit shook, I suppose. We had been asked to give our decision to decline the referral in writing and all officially done.

Signing our names to such a document, listing the names and dates of birth of the children you are officially saying "no" to, was heartbreaking. And so we began to wonder if we were really doing the right thing, and asked our caseworker if we might change our minds before the letter arrived.

After getting permission to rethink the matter over the weekend, it allowed us to reflect again on the reasons for our decision, and to talk and pray with friends in our small group. Last night talked for a while, and did some writing and thinking about the implications of accepting the referral now, when we would have so much to prepare and so little time in which to do it. The original reasons for our declining, and others, landed on us again and we realized this morning that this is really the best option for us right now. We have much to get done in anticipation of adopting kids, and we really need to get it done so that when we accept a referral, we can really turn our full attention where it needs to be: the kids. Moving forward now with this referral would mean we would be unable to do that, and so we're going to decline it, as hard as it is.

Thanks for your encouragement and advice. We are very grateful for you all.

Reconsidering...

After preparing our formal paperwork to formally turn down the referral, both of us were wavering, and not feeling especially settled over the issue. I went ahead and called our caseworker and explained the situation, and asked if changing our answer was even possible at this point. This morning we learned that the answer is yes, and that we would be granted the weekend to decide whether or not to travel to Russia to meet the kids. We were also told that if we made the trip to meet them, we would not in any way be obligated to move forward with adopting them if we so choose.

So we took up the agency's offer for more time to reconsider, and will revisit our decision this weekend. I had thoughts this morning about the parable of the shepherd leaving the 99 sheep, to find the one that was lost. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Lord help us.

Disappointment

Hi everyone, it's Andy. Thank you all very much for your advice and for listening to us, for wanting to know how things have been progressing, and for praying for us since our last post. After three weeks, we have reluctantly come to the conclusion that we should finally decline our referral, and it's very hard.

We spent our time getting as educated as we could about FASD and talking to people who have adopted children with this diagnosis, as well as going over our current house situation. The conclusion we arrived at was that we should decline the referral, and then use this time to finish getting our living situation squared away, and probably revise our dossier to state that we are interested in two children rather than two or three.

We are very disappointed, but think this is the right move for us, for a number of interlocking reasons; none of them were conclusive by themselves but taken together the collective weight of the whole led us to make this difficult choice.



1. Adopting three kids at one time, especially with one or more older children, is very difficult. This was the counsel we got from just about everyone we talked to. It's not impossible, but with additional difficulties it would have been very hard on our marriage.


2. While there wasn't conclusive proof of FASD for any one of the kids, their risk factors were so high that we would very likely have had to deal with at least one, maybe two, and perhaps all three kids having it to some extent. Raising children with this condition is very challenging, and although it can be done its a very different parenting experience than for children without it.


3. If we were to accept this referral it would have been extremely unlikely that we could have gotten our house sold and a new one purchased and prepared before taking custody of the children. This would have been quite stressful for us and would have made it just that much harder to help ourselves and the kids adjust to our new life together as a family. Our current house just doesn't have the space for what three kids and ourselves would need, and moving forward now would really put us into a time-critical situation.


So, now we go back into the queue and wait for the next referral, and trying to use our time wisely in preparing as much as we can. We are so grateful for all of you, and for the remarkable amount of information and moral support there is around Minneapolis for adoptive families in situations like ours. Everyone has been wonderful, and we take a good deal of comfort from knowing that so many people want to help us succeed in our desire to adopt. We continue to need your prayers and support as we move on from this referral, and starting waiting hopefully for the next one.